Change my heart O God

A forewarning to anyone that may read this: I am in a really bad mood and this may come across as a little...um...negative?! I try and I try and I try again. And I fail. I fail again and again. I wonder if I will ever get it right. You make one little mistake...one wrong thing at the wrong time and BAM!!! He's offended and I'm defensive, and his spirit is broken, and I'm frustrated. My heart races and I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. I feel like I need to get out. Just go somewhere. But where can I go that I will feel safe and secure and warm. Nowhere that won't leave me feeling empty and depressed. What is wrong with me? Why do I struggle so badly in my marriage? Why is it so hard to love sometimes? I am acting like the foolish woman that is tearing down her house instead of building it up. I have stinkin thinkin. I read once in a marriage book written by Kay Arthur, that there are rooms in your mind. There are positive rooms and negative rooms. You can spend time in the positive room and focus on all the things that you are thankful and grateful for, all the goodness in your life. I mean I have a warm house, I have three beautiful and healthy children, I have a car, I have an income (small one but still), I have a husband that loves me, I have friends that love me, I have a family that loves me! Or, I can spend time in the negative room and think about all the bad things that have happened and sometimes do still happen. When I spend time in that negative room, my attitude becomes well, negative. When I spend time in the positive room my heart and attitude are so completely different. It's just the discipline to stay in the positive room where I have the problem. When there is an issue, and issues start piling on top of each other it can really set me off. I mean fury unleashed! I have an anger issue. There I said it. I have a serious, out of control problem and it is called anger. It causes me to lash out on the people that I love the most. It causes me to become depressed and ashamed of my behavior. It is a constant threat and it is lurking around every corner of my house. The enemy of my soul loves that I have this problem. He feeds on it. He provokes it. I know that I need help. I know that I need Someone to take this away because I can't do this on my own. Jesus, only You can take it away. Only You can soften my heart and mold it. Please do so before I ruin everything in sight, before I completely give up! I'm so not perfect or Godly or better than anyone else. I also know that I'm not a bad person for my issues. There are reasons behind what I have. But it is a condition, just like alcoholism or depression. That is why I am going to Celebrate Recovery. Not only to seek help and support but to worship. I love to worship. It is so uplifting and helps me to just love God in my heart when sometimes my words and actions seem to be unloving. There is peace and forgiveness in worship. In I John it says that if you love God and hate your brother than you are a liar and the truth is not in you. This is the verse that came to my mind. I am having hatred in my heart when I am called to love. How can I overcome these hang ups? I need to hear Your voice Lord! I know in the Christian realm of thinking happiness is not the most important thing in a relationship. But I really truly want to be happy. I want to be content...and I am never content. My husband knows that and it is frustrating to him, which I can totally understand. But how can I become a content person? That I don't have a clue, at least I haven't had a clue so far. There is always something for me to be frustrated over or longing for. And sometimes it is material things but mostly it's about habits and needs. My husband and I are so different. I can either accept that or fight it. I think I need to accept it and seek God's help to mend our brokenness. Well, I don't know what to say to end this. I suppose that since I am so completely open and vulnerable at times, my blogs are not always going to be uplifting. I'm sorry if you have read this and you are thinking I am crazy...sometimes I think I am too! Pray for me. We need to pray for each other because we are all in the gutter, just some of us are looking at the stars!-Oscar Wilde. I suppose now it's time to face the music and apologize. Dun dun dun...my most favorite part! Just kidding. At least there is a lesson to be learned in every circumstance. Today my lesson is to stop focusing on myself. Goodnight. May tomorrow be a better one.
Trying to love,
Robyn